Role Play Here

XD

your running a gun blast behind you, its night and you can barrly see, the sent the hounds now, you run faster, you finally escaped from that prison the cage they have locked you up into for yor entire life, but your getting tired

ype s much you canhowc you make that brief discription into long post, rember use your 5 sense, make shit up lol add emotion to what your writing imagin you were there running your heat pouding threw your chest

Ok so lets look at the description I gave you and break it down

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(your running) a gun blast behind you,its night and you can barrly see, the sent the hounds now, you run faster, you finally escaped from that prison the cage they have locked you up into for yor entire life, but your getting tired

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Ok so your running: were are you running?, what type of things are around? you what do you see? Do not dwell on these things unless theres some importence, do not go, I was running and went by a tree it was tall and sap was droling out the side ants were caught in its googy trap and it kinda smelled like pine needles, then I saw another bug BLAH BLAH BLAH its unneeded, if you want to right something make it mean something, :my lungs felt heavy and I stopped for a rest, my hand got caught in the sap of a pine tree, as the shatter breaths regained strength I noticed the ants trapped in the sticky prision I felt sadness in me, for I felt there pain, but as the steps of the men quickin I left thebroken bodied insects to there death” something like that, connect it to why you noticed it why you give a damn

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your running a (gun blast behind you), its night and you can barrly see, the sent the hounds now, you run faster, you finally escaped from that prison the cage they have locked you up into for yor entire life, but your getting tired

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ok now we add danger, now its now just running its running for your life, it brings a darkness to the post, a gun and being shot at normaly leads to dieing or something it adds suspense, brighten that bring it to life make the readers heart beat race!!!

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your running a gun blast behind you, its (night and you can barrly see), the sent the hounds now, you run faster, you finally escaped from that prison the cage they have locked you up into for yor entire life, but your getting tired

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ok surroundings, tthis is a very vauge description of the surrounds, it doesn’t define plants, it doesn’t use the five senses (all 5 arent always nessicary) however it does say there is little visibility therefore your running blindly now

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your running a gun blast behind you, its night and you can barrly see, (they sent the hounds now), you run faster, you finally escaped from that prison the cage they have locked you up into for yor entire life, but your getting tired

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now the post is becoming grimmer you must make the reader feel like the chacter is losing hope the ddogs are on them like this is it, and “they” impling that there is more then one person persuing you

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your running a gun blast behind you, its night and you can barrly see, the sent the hounds now, (you run faster), you finally escaped from that prison the cage they have locked you up into for yor entire life, but your getting tired

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ok now you relies you must run for your life you have to put everything into this when people are about to die do theylook at the flowers no, they have little memorie flash back, bring something into the story (post) to add depth give your chacter a backround, or give a hint of a back round-never give it all away at once, it bores the readers they want something to look forward to!!

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your running a gun blast behind you, its night and you can barrly see, the sent the hounds now, you run faster, (you finally escaped from that prison the cage they have locked you up into for yor entire life), but your getting tired

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ok this gives you abit of past to the chacter, it makes it feel cagede and locked away from the world this can be many things, but the escaped ment that you wanted out you broke out thus it wasent a good envierment for you and u needed to get away write about what your chacter is running from- jail, lab, etc use your imagination!!

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your running a gun blast behind you, its night and you can barrly see, the sent the hounds now, you run faster, you finally escaped from that prison the cage they have locked you up into for yor entire life, (but your getting tired )

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this brings you back to the grim reality times running out for you and freedom might only be brief can you escape, whats ganna happen?

I'm free. Free from that wretched place. I no longer feel like a caged circus animal, but the situation I was in now wasn't any better. My feet tried hard to take me as far away as they possibly could from my captors. BANG! My ears rang from the gunshot. It also distracted me enough that my shoe snagged on an uprooted tree root and sent me falling hard on my stomach. I lay there motionless for a few seconds, letting my heart calm before it burst out of my heaving chest. I knew I had to get up, and so I coached myself the best I could to get back up on my aching feet. But it was not I that gave me the motivation to get up and high tail it out of there. It was the howling and barking of the dogs they had set out on their escaped prisoner.

Trying to get up, I flop back down onto the hard earth, feeling hopeless and about ready to give up. But I've made it this far, why stop now because you're a little tired? The little voice in my head screamed at me to stand. Eventually I did as I heard the paws of the dogs advancing on me. I quickly broke into a sprint, not bothering to dust off my clothing. I had little alternatives to running them out. I could climb a tree? No, climbing and I weren't friends. Hide? Of course not, those stupid mutts would sniff me out in a second! I must run. Run until I'm fully free.

I'm free. Free from that wretched place. I no longer feel like a caged circus animal, but the situation I was in now wasn't any better. My feet tried hard to take me as far away as they possibly could from my captors. BANG! My ears rang from the gunshot. It also distracted me enough that my shoe snagged on an uprooted tree root and sent me falling hard on my stomach. I lay there motionless for a few seconds, letting my heart calm before it burst out of my heaving chest. I knew I had to get up, and so I coached myself the best I could to get back up on my aching feet. But it was not I that gave me the motivation to get up and high tail it out of there. It was the howling and barking of the dogs they had set out on their escaped prisoner.

Trying to get up, I flop back down onto the hard earth, feeling hopeless and about ready to give up. But I've made it this far, why stop now because you're a little tired? The little voice in my head screamed at me to stand. Eventually I did as I heard the paws of the dogs advancing on me. I quickly broke into a sprint, not bothering to dust off my clothing. I had little alternatives to running them out. I could climb a tree? No, climbing and I weren't friends. Hide? Of course not, those stupid mutts would sniff me out in a second! I must run. Run until I'm fully free

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Your post is great, you might not think so but remember what I gave you two lines and you came up with 15 that’s tough, the only part I don’t like about this is you SAY whats going on, you don’t imply anything, remember what I said don’t give it all away? We you slipped alittle bit in this post

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longer feel like a caged circus animal,

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instead of saying that you feel like a caged circus animal tell us what that means, to feel locked away in a box for all of your life, to not know the world, let your emtion seep into this anger, sadness confuseion

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“I no longer felt like thereshackles held me instead of being chained behind a locked door now my lung suck in the open air free from the artificatial posion they forced me to breath, I was free, or I felt free”

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See just from using emotion in the words, this was release the feeling of spreading your wings, heres anger

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“They couldent catchme now, no I wouldent let them,I was no longer there pet, I wasent there little pin cushon, no not now and never again, they caught me once but ill die before I go back, I cant return to hell, im tired of burning”

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See how much that just brings your chacter to life?

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next

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My ears rang from the gunshot

Instead of telling the reader that it was a gun pretend the reader doesn’t know what a gun is, like explaining it to an indin, a large metal tube, it had wood on the end, the man sweezed the lever and thunder cracked and blah blah you know just makes the reader think, makes wonder whats going on it hooks them into turning the page

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and...

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about ready to give up

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like I said earliar, use emotion,, that^ is emotionless, theres nothing connecting that to the chacter except context, make the chacter feel like the ground was shakeing like its impossible to move. Ex:

I felt the stab of pain rush threw me, the howls and dogs faded out, for a moment, everything seemed peaceful, the heart be was like a drum beat, whos was it?(confuseion) It cant be mine its much to fast. The gground felt like a cloud, when my arms moved to pushmyself up I collapsed fearing id fall threw, falling into the blackness, my body felt so calm here reaxed, how long had I been running? Did all I endure come down to this? (sadness) no, something whispered in my mind,….

I rolled my eyes, why do people bring babies on plane, I saw the passengers may move around the cabin light flicker and I unbuckled myself from the seat,and went to the bathroom, I dident have to gobut it was prettysound proof in there, I closed the door and locked it, I looked in the mirror, did I get attacked by something resently? Must have my hair was scraggling and busting out of the once tight pony tail, I was on my way to my parents a real happy place they got there, screaming fighting nice little get away,I pulled out my pony tail and setit on the counter and combed threw my hair with myfingers, suddenly I was slammed against the wall, I groaned in pain and I opened the door, a woman was walkin past I grabed her arm* excuse me what the hell was that? *she looked at me, a smile painted on her facebut something stirred in her eyes, “just some turbulence ma’am, id advise youto return to your seat” I nodded and released my gripon her, she continued walking, I withdrew back into the bothroom, my ponytailwas no longer on the table and I looked around for in, I spotted it under the counter and I reached for it, isuddenly feltsick, not flu sick but motion sickness, like gravity had withdrawn from me, I began to float up, then everything exploded into action I slammed against the ceil and then was thrown in the glass mirror it shattered, not I was spinning around a small room with spinteres of glass,I felt like I was ganna hurl, then myhead hit the metal toilet set and I when out.

I awoke couching, smokehad thickened the air, but my eyes they wouldent open, I couldent see, I felt around, the metal and material aroundme was hotand sharp, my arm wouldent move, and my whole bodyfelt like it was on fire, I had to move, but I couldent see, and I felt so tired, and weak, but after coaxing I finally bullied myself to move, I pulled may arm and finally it was released andmy vision was blurry, I pushed myself up with my arms but my left gave way, I blinked furiously trying to see clearer,but it felt hopeless, I wicked coldness struck me, and I was only in a t-shirt, I crawled, moveing to were the door would be but it was awfully bright now, she pushed on the door and it feel on the ground, I couldent see anything above two fet, the smoke still thick, shock was embing away, did wec rash? Snow feel threw and touched my skin, a shiver ran up my spine,we crashed, iconfirmed with myself, I got to myknees and forcedmy self to stand my jeans felt useless, cloths and luggegs was everywhere, but it wasent long until I broke out coughing, I grabbed a bag and kept running until I leaned onto a tree.

im getting there (not done)

your running a gun blast behind you, its night and you can barrly see, the sent the hounds now, you run faster, you finally escaped from that prison the cage they have locked you up into for yor entire life, but your getting tired

My feet pounded on the forest ground, spongey from pine needles. I had escaped from the prison the humans called a reserve. The humans were not happy about my escape. "Just a bit farther." I told myself, pushing on. I was tired, and my lungs screamed for air. I stopped, my golden pelt shining in the small patch of moonlight that made its way through the leafy trees. I looked up at the stars twinkling above me. The stars gave me hope. Suddenly, a gunshot sounded so close that my ears rang. The bullet dug into the bark of an old oak less then 3 feet away from me. I yowled and ran, knowing that now this was for my life. I could feel the humans light shining around me like the sun on my fur. I let my claws out, pushing hard on the ground, trying to get away and willing myself on. The blood pounded in my ears, and every musle in my body screamed for me to stop. I couldnt, I had to keep running. Suddenly I heared the loud, un mistakable sound of the hounds. This was how my brother had died. I pushed harder then ever, the wind pushing back on me, blinding me. The next thing I knew, the ground had disapeard from under my feet, and I felt myself falling down, down, down, hitting rocks along the way. I splashed into the water, and felt a sharp pain go through my back. I couldnt move my legs. I started to sink. I tryed to call for help, but water filled my lungs. I saw two, huge golden paws churning the water above me. The last thing I saw was the dim outline of the stars twinkiling above me. Now there is one more star up there. Me, the Mountian Lion who fell victom to the humans.  

very nice chickitoris, why do u need my help u did great, look of good imagery and more showing then telling with good emotion

Well, that was an easy one. Give me a harder one, that has to do with animals. Please.

u got it

the woods around u, lost, night was soon, and u were in enemy terratory

thats all u get, now give me a complete story before u go lost, how u got lost were are u why r u there how can u get out and what happens in the end

My post sucks ass compared to hers. );

no its doesnt ney ney!

shes just use to imagery and metiphorical stuff, ur getting better each day neyers, would u like to kep practising?

WHAT AM I MISSING?!

o.o w-what do u mean!

"YOU CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT, YOU MOUSE BRAIN!" Featherpaw yelled at me. I ran out into the open moors that surounded LeafClan camp, crying. I stopped near the lake, and cryed my eyes out. I had went into the medicien den and had acadently knocked over the last of the poppy seeds intill New Leaf. I had been just trying to help. The mushy, sandy ground was soft enough to just let my paws sink in. "I'll show you! I'll sneak into TimberClan camp!" I cryed to myself, and got up. I blindly started off torawds FireClan. After a long while, I got into thick pines. I knew that this wasnt TimberClan, and I didnt know where I was. The sun was starting to sink below the horizen, but I was determend. I trotted far into the forest, scared out of my fur. I bedded down, and started to sleep. I woke up later, to a sniffing sound. I peeked out of my hiding spot, and saw a huge animal sniffing around. I reconised the smell. I shrunk back, trying to get away from the big, brown, fluffy bear. I suddenly felt the ground go out from under me. I managed to hook a single claw on a fern. I started struggling with all my might, knowing that if my nail gave out I would fall to my death. Of course, my single claw couldnt hold me and it snapped. I yowled in both fear and pain, as I started to fall. I reached out, blind with fear, for anything I could get my paws on. I managed to catch a root of an old pine sticking out. I hauled myself up on it, and sat trembling. The blood roared in my ears, and I could feel that I had fluffed. I stayed there trembling for the rest of the night. In the morning I started to try to climb up, but could never get more then a fewtail leinths above the root before sliding back down. I thanked StarClan that it hadnt rained for a while, so the root was dry and easy to grip. After countless attempts I sat there on my root and started mewling like the helpless little kit I was. I huddled down and closed my eyes. I opend them to find a cat looking at me. Her pelt was a soft white, and she looked hardly bigger then an apprentice. Her eyes glowed like moons and her pelt shown with all the light of StarClan. "Its alright, little one. I am Skypaw. Go to sleep, and you will be rescued." I tyred to speak, but she ran her tail over my spine and I imedently fell asleep. I woke the following night in an odd, unknown den. It was well protected, and very cozy. I could tell by the smells that it was a medican den. I was safe. Later that night I was brought back to my Clan. I can tell you this, Featherpaw got introuble by her mentor, Sockdream. Jellystar wasnt any happier with me though. I will be staying in the camp for a moon.

  I looked around at all the kits after repeating my story for the millionth time. There eyes were huge. "Now go on and play."  said smiling. As they all rushed off I heard them calling things to each other. "IM FERNPAW!!!" "I want to be Skypaw!" "I am Featherpaw!" Was just a few of the things they were saying.

it was good but u rushed the story to much u forgot to talk about ur surrondings, and ithurt the story abit

What I mean is..well..I dunno. Dx

I dunno..forget this. I can't do it. Teach your star pupil.

ney ney, dont go! shes not my star pupil she said she needed help but she doesnt, inbox me

Ok, alright.

Dont go. If I'm making you uncomfertable, then I shall go!

Also Ney, come up with a charcter, and always have them be the main charcter, personality wise. That way you can spend less time on creating the charcter, and more on the scence. And also, find out if you are more comfertable writing about humans, or about animals. I am more comfertable with animals, so it isnt as forced for me.

Sorry, just thought it might help.